The truth about intestines

This weekend my son and I had a bit of a digestive issue.
The truth about living in a tropical environment is that there are all
number of bacterias that you're exposed to and no matter how long you've
been able to work up your resistance, every now and then a few get through.

Digestive issues are no stranger to this lifestyle. Before coming here
I would NEVER talk to anyone in detail about their bathroom habits...
and now, everyone understands what you mean when you say,

"I have gastro issues."

It means, you can't safely leave any place that doesn't have a toilet
within 50 feet. (50 feet is the average distance you can sprint before
it's too late. (-; ).

So while this may gross some of you out, it's a part of life. While we
show pictures of where we are and what we do, and you think 'wow, that's
green and lush.' We're thinking 'yeah, I bet there are no decent
toilets for miles!'.

The toilet situation in this country is like spinning the wheel of

click click click.... Congratulations you won a sea toilet! You and a
guest will be dangling over a cliff hundreds of feet in the air, with
nothing but rotting boards to hold your weight. But wait! There's
more! If you're afraid of heights, and happen to look down, you can
expect dizziness, and a paralyzing fear that will force your gastro
issue to surface even quicker!

click click click..... YAY, you've won an actual flushing toilet....
however this toilet has no walls and no privacy, but you will be planted
firmly on the ground

click click click.... oh, Not good, this is a liklik haus. The ceiling
is 5 foot tall, so you'll have to do contortionist tricks to get in, but
once in, you'll enjoy the visual privacy of grass walls with NONE of the
audial privacy! Congratulations!

and it goes on and on and on.
You may think that in a world where you could have a sudden, prolongued
and intense need for a toilet, that it'd be a place with toilet
technology that exceeds the Japanese.... but you'd be wrong.

I'm going to take a moment now and say a silent prayer for all the
volunteers across the world who have Irritable Bowel Syndrome. ....
Maybe I should write a prayer.

I don't think this will make it on the wall of every house like
'footprints' but It'll be hung in my bathroom that's for sure:

Lord you know the pressures within
I pray you provide a proper disposal bin
It may have been something I ate, or something I drank,
I drank it Lord to avoid bringing you shame.
What good would it do to say I am one of yours and then reject the gifts
of food offered me?
I desire not to bring shame upon my hosts, nor you, nor myself and so I ask
Please let me find a suitable toilet.

Lord you have sent me sea toilets, and outhouses.
I have suspended myself precariously over rotted boards and low ceilings.
I have trusted you to spare me from gravity and disgrace.
I have been engulfed by odors reminiscent of an unholy place.
Lord, I trust these times have built my character, and I thank you that
I still live.
Though I am temporarily blinded by my desire to die, and the hatred that
my intestines have for me.
Please bring me to a place where I can find peace and relief.

God, there are people watching me, there are people listening.
I fear I will bring dishonor to you because the noise I am about to
make, is in no way joyful.
I would prefer to be far away from the eyes and ears of other men.
But time is not on my side in this matter.
Lord help me to expel what must be expelled, so that I may return to the
work given me.
And when I return Lord, let there not be laughter nor snickering.
And when I return Lord let there not be a need to leave again quickly.

Lord you know my needs, my future needs and my urgent needs.
And my really really urgent needs.
Lord I am a sinful man, and forgot to pack the paper I need.
I trust that you will provide for me a proper place, a safe place, a
nearby place.
I trust that my footing will be sure, for a muddy path that creates
slippage will most definitely be my ruin.
I read that footprints poem once and thought it was nice.
Can you please carry me now? I don't think I can walk.