We depart PNG in 4 and a half months. We're coming up on 12 years here (in a few weeks). I have always wondered what goes on in the minds of people as they prepare to do what we here call 'going finish.'
For me, a lot of things. But I realize everyone's situation is different.
-There's a constant cycle of having a new worry or a new thought and then giving it to God in prayer. They just pop in there like 'what about this?" Then you remind yourself God is faithful, God is in control, Dear Lord take this one from me, I can't do anything about it anyway. All yours. (rinse and repeat the next time it pops up).
-There's the logistics of booking air travel, packing your house, etc. Different people handle this differently. I love watching how people handle it. Some folks don't pack until the last few days, some the night before they leave, others dont' get a chance to pack because their 'finish' surprised them as they had to leave in an emergency. For us, that's not a big deal. We have most all the big logistics covered because we wanted our final days to be spent saying goodbyes.
-There's the mumu's. Traditional goodbye meals with local friendships. Many tears, stories told, etc.
-There's the real concern about whether or not you're doing the right thing. Though God put going 'finish' on our hearts for certain, and though He sends us encouragement, there is always the little doubts and jokes about 'you know if you stayed...' and you think 'yeah I could stay here and do a lot of really good work still.' and then the subtle reminder 'true.. but that's not where I'm calling you next.'
-There's real concern about money and the future. As we make decisions about where we're going to live, what we're going to do, what we'll drive. Basically, like starting fresh right out of school again. Have to get our license, get new credit cards, get new... everything. We're 45 and starting over with zero assets, no home ownership, nothing. But at the same time.... it's exhilarating because of the next one:
-There's the concern that we will no longer need God. Moving to PNG we had to discipline ourselves into a daily habit of total reliance upon God. For provision, safety, finances, guard against spiritual attack, for the grace to get through a day. moving back to a first world country, I'm truly concerned we'll let those habits decay. Which is why, having so much uncertainty is actually comfortable for me. Once you develop habits to cope with an unknown future, a daily 'anything can happen' routine... without it, life seems a little less than.
-The temptation to speak your mind more freely. I've seen a some people lose their cool when going finish. For years you learn how to live together in community and get along. You daily apply grace to those who tend to irk you more than others, because you need to live in Christian community. But when you're about to leave that community, suddenly the temptation to stop speaking the truth in love and start speaking the truth to EVERYONE as harshly as you can.... gets stronger. I am one of those people who have bitten my tongue so often in 12 years that it's down to the nub. The temptation to unload it all and ruin those 12 years of patience and grace is strong. I keep going back to Christ's model though, and I think about how much restraint He had. I can hold on just a little longer. But, like anything under pressure, sometimes venting that pressure helps avoid an explosion.
-I have lost most all of my American skills. I no longer follow NFL or MLB, so I'll have to catch up on that, just to have things in common. I don't know current terminologies, or events. I'm not heavily invested in politics, I don't know a lot about living in the U.S. I'm sure it'll all come back to me. But it'll be awkward, because the American has been largely stripped out of my Christianity, and I no longer feel the way I once did about a great many things.
-In some ways, I'm more concerned about security in the U.S. I know what to expect here, I've become used to it. But in the U.S. there are expectations that go unmet. When I sit in people's homes in the U.S. I think 'wow this place is so insecure! How can you sleep at night!' It's part of the acclimation process, though there are certain habits I've learned here that I'll never unlearn.
-Complexity and cost. Living in the U.S. has a lot of costs I'm unfamiliar with and complexities that I've gotten used to not having to deal with.
-True fellowship. I won't have a mechanic I know and trust, I won't have a doctor I pray with, I won't have a pilot who I talk to when I'm flying places, or a post office worker whose family I know. I'm not sure I remember how to do small talk, I'm used to long hours of in depth conversation and making life long deep friendships. Can I survive living on the surface again? Will I have to?
-Time and traffic - this list could just keep going on and on and on... but I remember a huge chunk of my day was taken up by traffic and little things. The Pace of life will be so much faster in California.
This and so many other things race through my mind, and my wife has her own list.
Along with it are all the good things that race through my mind as well. But I tend to segment emotional processes.
Right now, I'm all about finishing well here, doing my work, leaving no loose ends, and getting my son graduated, then leaving.
As soon as I'm on the plane my mind will turn to the stuff about the U.S.
-Chad
