When I was a youth I felt the word 'contentment' was a bad word. One of the nonsensical things I would spout to anyone who might listen was 'contentment breeds apathy, satisfaction breeds complacency.' I listened to my pastor give a sermon on being 'content' when I was 15 and thought the man was way off base.
I have never felt God calls us to be content. Sure I read I Tim 6 ..godliness with contentment is great gain, Philippians, being content in all your circumstances. Sure I read that, but for the most part I assumed those were comfort verses for people who had fallen on bad times in life and were unable to 'strive for more.'
I never wanted my life to be...boring.
Don't get me wrong, I thoroughly enjoy rest and relaxation. I just don't enjoy undue laziness. I don't enjoy looking at a job I've done and saying 'there, that's good enough, no one will notice.'
But I'm not a perfectionist either. I look at a job and say 'that is my best right now, and I'm done. But next time, I will do better here, and here and here.' So I try to always be improving.
So here I sit. I am overseas, overlooking a green pasture, sitting next to a fire. I am comfortable in a place that most people would not be comfortable in. A loud crack rings out as I sit here and I think it may or may not be a sign of violence, but it doesn't startle me.
I have learned how to find peace in the middle of chaos.
And I am truly for the first time in my 44 years, content.
It makes me nervous.
I mean that little stupid kid inside me is still saying things like 'if you're comfortable, you won't be relying on God. You won't be able to see Him zig, and you'll fail to zag. You should stay on your toes man!'
But I'm happy! I mean, I love this new teaching gig, I like my friends and neighbors. I like my work, my home. I'm very happy and content.
Which is the moment I realize how wrong I was as a kid. I'm not complacent, I'm not apathetic, and I'm not lazy. In fact, I'm finding this deep seated contentment, of being where the Lord wants me to be is permeating everything I do and creating this calm inside me that allows me to continue the work we have.
Instead of stress being able to attack me and rule me, instead confidence and quiet sit inside my soul.
I rather like it.
But I suspect it. I suspect God won't let me sit here too long like this. I suspect, as always, that He may throw me a curve ball soon. So, I choose to enjoy this time, knowing it may not last. Knowing I may one day long for these quiet and calm moments, I will enjoy it to its maximum.
For the first time in my life I do not feel the urge to be 'going going going.' I'm happy with just 'going going.'
I'm not unbusy. There's a ton to do, and I end each day completely tired out, as does my wife and son.
And yet, my spirit is full and calm, there is not a piece of me that is missing nor a part of me searching for something else.
Therein lies the drive for me to tell people about Christ. So many people are seeking to fill a void, with all the wrong things. If only they knew what it felt like to be full in Christ.
It's the spiritual equivalent of eating a guilt-free meal that is tasty, healthy, and you didn't overeat and so aren't stuffed. You're not so full that you can't move, you can move, you can go be active. You have fuel, and it isn't junk, it's the good stuff.
I want to serve that kind of meal to the world, but I'm not enough to do it. So I pray to God and then I watch and try to zig when He zigs and zag when He zags.
