In the U.S. if you ask someone if they will lend you money, it's often a statement about your relationship in some way. You wouldn't ask a total stranger, and you wouldn't ask someone you disliked. It is the same way in PNG. But there is also a part of the culture here that diverges from culture in the U.S. which is called the 'askim'. It means pretty much what it sounds like. An ASKIM is when you request a favor. An askim can be a small favor or a big favor. However unlike U.S. culture, there is little to no shame associated with an askim.
For example. In the U.S. if you go to a buddy and say 'hey I'm a little strapped for cash right now, can I borrow 50 bucks until payday?' You most likely feel a tiny bit of shame in admitting your need. Perhaps you ask for something bigger or smaller. Still there is a sense of shame and then a sense of debt.
I'm not saying whether or not the shame is right or wrong. I've noticed that this area of borrowing and lending seems to be one where cultures diverge quite often. I've had a few friends from the phillipines who have completely different views on borrowing and lending and if you're not expecting it, the differences in cultures can cause a huge clash.
Well, yesterday a knock came at my door and a man whom I know but would not call 'friend' necessarily asked, with no small talk, simply 'can I borrow 50 kina.' and then 'I'll pay you back on payday.'
It was the first time I was ever asked to borrow money. I've had other askims, some I've said yes to, some no. Often being white we're seen as rich, and so there is no shame in asking us for money and also no shame in not repaying the debt. So you need to be careful and wise.
It took me by suprise. I had no thought this person knew me well enough to ask me for such a large sum of money. I was flattered in a way that our relationship was at this point, but also slightly doubting that maybe I was being used. Quickly I reached for whatever wisdom I had and said 'let me go see if I have any cash.'. I went to my office to think, utter a quick word of prayer for wisdom and put the K50 in my pocket.
Then I returned.
I thought - if he were a white skin friend, I would not hesitate to lend the money. Does this make me a racist? No... their culture is different, I may not see this money back. If I lend it, I need to be prepared to not see it return. But what should I say to this man? If this is a relationship building moment, how should I respond? A flat no would communicate to him that I am not interested in friendship.
I went back outside to speak to him again.
'What is this for?' I asked.
He responded in Tok Pisin, his eyes glanced down, and didn't make contact with mine. A typical symptom of shame.
'My brother has beaten a women from a different village and now they are demanding compensation and he has come to me for help.' he replied.
Suddenly this entire transaction became a lot more sticky. Now what do I do? In lending him the money am I condoning this type of behavior? By not lending the money, if they can't come up with the compensation funds, there will be a fight that could lead to death.
I was thankful for the 4 years of living here thus far that gave me the cultural inside I've had, but I've heard missionaries say that after 20 years of living here you still don't understand all the complexities.
In my head was resonating this voice 'you have to earn the right to be heard.' He wasn't going to stand there and listen to a lecture about this from me if I didn't give him the money.
So I pulled out the 50 kina and as he reached for it I held it, his hand touching my hand we made eye contact and I said in tok pisin:
'I will lend you this money, but I do not like this behavior of your brother's. You can't go around beating women. You should not hurt women'.
He replied, "I know it's a bad thing.'
I continued, because in their culture, repetition adds strength to the point,
"This behavior, is very bad, you can't beat women it is a bad thing to do, you must talk to your brother and tell him he can not beat women. You tell him that I say, he can not hurt women any more and he must talk sorry to this woman."
And Andy replied, "I know, you are right, and I will talk very strong to my brother and explain to him that his bad behavior has put me into debt (dinau) with you and many others and I work hard for this money and he can't keep coming to me for this. I am going to talk very angrily with him."
At this point I had realized the situation and was glad I helped Andy. Andy was very upset with his brother. Andy was a good and hard worker, and his brother had done this bad thing and put him into a terrible situation where he HAD to honor his relationship and give his brother money, which meant he was working hard simply to fund his brothers woman beating.
Typically as a policy here, we do not aid or assist men who have beaten women. We don't admit them to our volunteer run clinic, we don't help them, we don't give them rides. IT seems heartless but we have to levy a very strict penalty for men who beat women.
Our policy as an organization is very strict regarding how we react to women beaters.
It's a sad commentary on the culture. There are many wonderful things about it, but the truth of the matter is that when the boys grow up without fathers, without God, they have no moral direction and do whatever they want to do. Thus spreads AIDS and thus spreads a great many sins of man. Living here you understand how important it is in a culture where men are the authority, that those men submit to GOD who is THE authority.
Anyway, so my prayer is that in lending the money, I wasn't condoning or contributing to anything other than peace and a chance to get the message into the right ears.
